I’ve covered a lot of topics that parents of a child with autism deal with. One topic that I have not covered is how to maintain your relationship as a couple. I don’t know the exact statistics, but I do know that the divorce rate among couples with a child with a disability are higher than that of couples without. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone told me that parents of children with autism have the highest divorce rate.
We spend so much time and energy taking care of our kids, we tend to neglect each other. My husband and I do our best to make sure we have a balance in our relationship with our kids and ourselves. Do we get enough time for each other? No. We do take moments that help us connect with one another.
At home, when one of us is going in one direction and the other in a different direction, we will stop and take a moment to hug. It doesn’t sound like much, and only lasts about a minute, but it means a lot. We take a moment to say “I love you” and a have a physical connection, then go about taking care of the kids. If one of us is walking by the other to take care of the latest crisis, a light caress and off we go. In the car, we will hold hands. During meals at the table, we will exchange light touches.
These little moments keep us connected. They let both of us know that we are in this together. We don’t go out without the kids that often. We try to arrange a weekend twice a year, but that is about all we get. After the kids go to bed, we take time to talk about anything that we can not discuss in front of the kids. Then, if we are not too tired, we make love. Unfortunately, it is not as often as either of us would like. If you have a child with autism or any child with a disability, then you know what I am talking about. That is why it is so important for us to make the little connections.
We love each other and our kids. That is the foundation of our relationship. To keep our connection strong, we discuss everything that is on our minds. If something is bothering us or something great happened, we discuss it. It is really important that we let each other know when we are upset about something and why. When an issue is left unspoken, it can fester and grow. The longer this goes on, the harder it is to work out the problem.
Our children need us to be happy and secure in our relationship. It is what allows us to give them the best of ourselves. It is also what gets us through the tough times. Let’s face it, there are a lot of tough times when raising an autistic child. What do you do to keep your relationship with your spouse connected and strong?
5 comments:
Thank you for sharing this wonderful advice. My husband and I do similar things too. I also think it is good for the children to see a husband and wife be affectionate toward each other. It gives them a good model relationship and also a sense of family security.
Tammy, you could be talking about my husband & I. That describes our relationship to a 'T', we are though, truly blessed in that we both have happy marriages based on love, trust & support, sadly many do not have this to start with.
I agree with Robin that it is important for children to see this as it gives them security too.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Take care
Sarah xx
Very good points; dh and I try to make some time for each other at least once per week; it's tough w/ two ASDs and both of us working full time.
I have exclusively worked with families who have a child with ASD for over a decade. I thought you might be interested to know that remarkably few have divorced. Many of the moms have suffered bouts of depression. Many of the parents have identified some symptoms of ASD in themselves or in their spouse. But the couples have pulled together and supported one another in almost all the families. Maybe it is something about the Midwest (I am a transplant from divorce prone CA) or maybe is it random luck, but I find the maturity and love in the families that I work with to be a career benefit.
I've read that the divorce rate for parents of autistic children is 85%, which is disconcerting. My husband and I have been out alone twice in the past three years just for dinner. We have no support from friends or family, and it's a burden to deal with everything on our own, but we do a lot of little things too, and I believe our marriage is strong. We have such love for each other and for our children and try to keep our faith in God, and that's what gets us through...one day at a time.
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