Mother Of Four Ignoring Children At Beach

photo courtesy of FreeFoto.com

We decided to spend Saturday at the beach. Celebrating Father’s Day a day early seemed like a great idea. A three hour drive turned into a five hour drive. The clear, sunny day, turned into an overcast, scattered showers day. We arrived at the beach around 3:00, only to find out that it was temporarily closed. No one was allowed on the beach until the stalled storm passed. It was frustrating, because the side of the sky over the water was clear and sunny. Then you turned around, and there were dark, storm clouds.

The kids were extremely disappointed. So were my husband and I. We decided to find a restaurant to eat at and then go visit some campgrounds. We wanted to plan a long weekend camping in that area, some time in the future, and wanted to see what the campgrounds were like. After we did all of this, it was about 5:30, and the sky looked better.

We returned to the beach, grabbed out gear, changed in the restrooms and headed down to the beach. After we set up, we all went into the water. It was a lot of fun. My daughter was a little afraid of the waves, but we were able to get her into the water with a little encouragement. Once we had enough, we all went back to where we had left our things. I sat in the chair that I had to insist that we get out of the truck and bring down to the beach. I had my husband set out the sheet I brought, and our son sat on it.

My daughter grabbed her beach toys and started playing in the sand. At first, she was up by us, and then she moved down to where the sand was wet. She started playing with a little girl (approx. her age) and soon was running towards the water with her. I watched carefully, tickled and proud to see my daughter overcome her fear of the ocean and play in the water with the other girl.

That was when I started noticing that I was the only one watching the other girl in the water. The girls would run back and forth, from the water to the sand castle that a woman was building. I thought, and it was confirmed by the little girl, that the woman was her mother. When I heard the little girl call her Mom, I knew I was correct in my assumption.

There was also a little boy, about 2 or 3 years of age, that kept trying to play, but the woman kept pushing him away from her sand castle. Then there were 2 boys, about pre-teen in age, that started interacting with the little boy and the Mom. It didn’t take long before I started getting upset with what I was seeing.

The woman was so involved in building her castle, digging out her moat, that no one was watching the children. The woman wasn’t even paying attention to where the dirt was landing that she dug and threw away from her field of obsession. The toddler boy was often playing by himself, close to the water. No one watching him. The little girl, who looked just slightly younger than my daughter’s almost 7 years of age, was often in the water, with no one watching her. The mom never looked up to check out what her children were doing. She was completely focused on her sand castle.

There was no sign of any other adult with them. No one else was watching what was going on. There was a life guard in the area, but she seemed more interested in examining her skin then what was going on around her.

Part of me wanted to say something to the woman. I didn’t. You may thing that I was wrong to keep my mouth shut, but I didn’t want to approach the woman and cause a disagreement in front of all of our children. I worry about that decision, especially since we left before the other mom and kids did. On the other hand, was it really my place to comment? What would you have done?

Supporting Mothers Everywhere

Today, I joined Bloggers Against Hunger. This program was set up by the World Food Programme organization. They are asking bloggers to use their words to help raise awareness and funds “for the one billion people worldwide that go to bed hungry.” This is a cause that I feel strongly about. This weekend, Mother’s Day will be celebrated. Mom’s will be honored and pampered by their families.

Yesterday, my husband told me we couldn’t go camping at the beach, because we couldn’t afford it. I understood, but was sulking over it. Then I saw an email from World Food Programme, and I realized how petty and selfish I was being. I should be thankful for what I have and remember that there are those that have far less.

There have been times that I have had to go to bed hungry, in order to assure that my kids did not. It’s a horrible position to be in. It’s also one of the easiest actions a mother can make. Putting our child ahead of us is natural. There are mother’s that have to make that decision every night. That is a horrible thing to realize.

For this Mother’s Day, you can donate to the World Food Programme, help another mother, and share a personal message of encouragement and strength. It’s easy to get caught up in our own lives and think that we should only be supporting those in our own country. In most cases, I believe this. When it comes to helping other mothers, we should not be limited by boundaries. In the end, we are all mothers and we should support each other.

For more information about this program, or to make a donation, you can visit the World Food Programme website.

An Asperger Adult Mom With An Autistic Child Interview

My latest interview is with Carol Greenburg. She has the unique perspective of both an indiviual with autism and a mother of an autistic child. Here are the questions and answers from the interview. I enjoyed getting to know Carol and her child so much, that I also conducted a second interview with her on the subject of vaccines and therapies. That will be posted tomorrow.

1. As an adult with Asperge's Syndrome and a mom of an autistic child, you have a unique perspective. Do you think you understand your child better than most autism parents?

I feel I do understand my son pretty well, though I have no basis of comparison to the level of understanding between other mothers and sons. I can say that I think my own Asperger's gives me a bit of an edge in what I decide to worry about and not worry about. I often observe self-stimulatory behavior in my son that exactly mirrors the stims I used for self-calming at that age, and am therefore less likely to overreact and automatically block "odd" behaviors. I believe that moment of thought before saying "Stop it" makes for a more relaxed environment in our home. If he starts singing the same song over and over to himself, which is one of the stims I had at his age, but no longer do, I try to engage him rather than just telling him to stop, which leaves me at least feeling good that I just had a nice interaction with my son rather than frustrated that I can't make him behave in a more typical way.

2. Getting services for your child can be extremely difficult for most autism parents. What do you recommend is the first step in attaining services for your child?

As a special education lay advocate, I feel duty-bound to answer that by simply advising everyone to hire me Here's a more serious answer, though: Think rights Talk Responsibilities. The law is on your side a lot of the time, so there's a great temptation to run into every IEP meeting waving statutes and yelling about how your kid's and your rights are being violated. Maybe they are, but the point is not to express your anger, however entitled you are to it, the point is to solve the problem. That means that no matter what the school has said or done, you need to excercise enough self-control to say "I recognize that my child's education is ultimately MY responsibility, and that you have the training and expertise to help me fullfil that responsibility. You [the district, the principal, the teacher] are a valuable resource. What can I as a parent do to partner with you to get access to the wisdom that your training and experience can yeild?"

3. What kind of services/therapies do you think are an absolute necessity for an autistic child?

I'll say the same thing the law says: The child gets what the child needs. Children and their needs are completely individual and they change over time. My son and I are both on the autism spectrum: I had no speech delay. He has a severe speech delay. He needs as much speech therapy as we can get him. Speech therapy would have been a complete waste of time for me at his age; all I did was talk. But I was constantly saying the wrong things to the wrong people. What I needed was the kind of social skills intervention, he's already gotten. At only seven he's immensely popular, never been bullied, and thanks to all of the OT he's gotten, he's actually more of a jock than anyone in our family going back generations.

4. Who pays for these services? The parents, insurance, school? When should parents draw the line at paying for therapies? Do you believe that it is fair on them and the child to be bankrupt and to lose their homes in order to support therapy for their child? (I've heard from parents that think it is and those who think it isn't.)

I don't feel I could function as an advocate and say I believe parents should foot the bill for everything. First of all, that's simply impossible in most cases. I don't personally know anyone rich enough to pay for the level of service my son gets without reimbursement. However, there are times when parents, who are fighting the good fight as they should, do need to pause and ask if they're looking for money from the best possible sources. True, your child has the legal right to a free appropriate public education, which encompasses much more than most people realize. That does NOT, however, mean that your automatic response to any need should be to hold out your hand to the local school board. Medicaid and medicaid waivers are overcomplicated to get, which is probably why they're underused, but if you can get your kid into that system, it opens up a world of resources. In the end, schools are more open to the requests of parents who also look elsewhere for funding. As far as insurance is concerned, you can't count on it, but you should be able to. The total lack of coverage for autistic children is a national disgrace, so if you have any energy left over from fighting for your child's individual needs, I can't think of a better cause than autism-specific insurance reform in which to pour that energy.


About Carol Greenburg

I am an adult with Asperger's Syndrome, the mother of a seven-year-old severely language-delayed autistic child, and executive director of a consulting company that helps parents of children with disabilities in get services for their kids. As part of a partnership with the Brooklyn Parent Center of BCID, I speak frequently at parent support groups, community-based organizations, and at universities all over Brooklyn. The motto in our home, and office is "Not sick. Not Broken. Just Neurologically Outnumbered. To find out more about me, my family and my work, please visit my company website www.bklynsnc.com, my company's Facebook page at Brooklyn Special Needs Consulting, or follow me on Twitter under the username "Aspieadvocate."

A Mom's Lesson Learned Raising an Autistic Child

My Lesson

By Meredith Myers

It was 6:09 pm on a chilly November evening when the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen came into this world, struggling with all her might to join our close knit family. My little beautiful angel girl had a rough day ahead on oxygen and then a few more under the UV lights to rid her of the jaundice that had set in. She could not breastfeed, something she just couldn’t get a hold of, but none of that mattered, all I wanted was to bring her home.

As a parent you have expectations or shall I say dreams of what is to come for your child. All of the milestones to make, the potty training, ABC’s and the like, but you’re never prepared when you find out your sweet little one may have a “problem”. At first knowledge that our child had autism we were of course, like many other parents, unsure of what to do. There was so much starting at the time on treatments, traditional and unconventional, where do we begin? The one thing that we did know for sure is that she was going to receive the most love that any baby ever has.

There were many rough days ahead, hard times trying to understand her cries, challenges with her digestion and other health problems, and most of all her inability to speak. But through it all, God has given us the compassion to help make strides with her that we never thought were possible. The patience to try and try again, the strength to keep giving her hugs and kisses even when she would push us away. The diligence to try everything that may help and read everything we can get our hands on. She has made astronomical leaps forward in every way possible thanks to that love that is deep inside us all. She has taught us so much, so many lessons of understanding that we would have never learned otherwise and we are eternally grateful to her for coming into our lives. Sarah has been a blessing that we could have never expected and what an amazing person she is! The important lesson here is to not forget to take that deep breath every now and then, love these babies and all their beauty with all you’ve got, throw out your old expectations and when life’s speed bumps come your way, dig in deep and hit them head on because what’s on the other side is amazing.

Raising an Autistic Child and Taking Care of Yourself

It can be difficult to take care of yourself when raising an autistic child. I spend most of my time and energy on both of my kids. With my son, I am also taking him to appointments several times a week. I am homeschooling him, too.

For the last couple of years, I have been putting off going to the doctor to have a skin abnormality checked out. I would tell myself that it isn't important. My mother and sister would insist that I needed to get it checked out, and I would dismiss their concerns.

The bottom line was that I didn't have the money or time to have it checked. Actually, that's not quite true. I didn't want to spend the money or take the time to have it checked. If I did, then I would be doing something for myself, instead of taking care of my kids. I feel guilty whenever I spend money on myself or do something just for me.

I know. My logic was a little screwed. If I don't take care of myself, who will? If I don't visit the doctor for regular checkups, something that is minor could turn into something serious. Then what? What happens to my kids?

I finally went to the doctor. At the appointment, four spots on the side of my nose were biopsied. The doctor is also having an appointment made for surgery to remove a basil cell carcinoma. The results of the biopsy results won't be back until next week.

Bottom line, I should have gone to the doctor when I first noticed the skin abnormality. I still feel bad about what this is going to cost my family. I am going to feel guilty when my husband has to take a day off of work to take care of the kids, while my father drives up and takes me to have the surgery. I know that I shouldn't it, but it is who I am. I am glad that this is being taken care of, and I pray that the biopsy results will be fine.

Given all of what I have just written, I urge all parents to take care of yourself. Take the time to visit your doctor for routine exams. Don't put it off due to time or money. In the end, you could be hurting your family a lot more if you don't take care for yourself.

Mom is the Most Important Job

Being a mom is the most important job you can have. It doesn’t matter if you are a stay at home mom, work at home mom, or work away from the home mom. You are a mom first and that is your most important job. So why does everyone take extreme views about working at home versus working away from the home? I’ve done both and doing both, I always put my family first.

When my youngest was born, I was a work away from the home mom. I put my daughter in daycare and I worked long hours. My oldest was in a special school for special needs children. I wouldn’t see my kids that often. I felt like it was bring the kids home, bath and bed. No time to actually be with my kids.

I missed my daughter so much and my son seemed like he was losing out on the one on one time he needed with me to help him with skills the school wasn’t teaching. When we all came down with a stomach bug, I had to stay at home and take care of everyone. My husband had to go to work, and someone needed to stay home. There wasn’t a choice, as far as I was concerned. My kids needed me. My work, didn’t agree. When I got back to work, I was written up. I immediately handed in my resignation.

I had enough. I felt my family was being neglected and I was not going to pick my work over my kids for any reason. It was tough. My husband and I knew that living on one income would be difficult. We were determined to make it work.

I’ve been on the receiving end of a work away from the home mom’s negative opinion of a stay at home mom. I just don’t understand why she thought that I wasn’t important. I don’t understand why she seemed to feel that she was a better person because she had a job away from the home. What I was doing and am doing, is important.

I am a teacher, therapist, psychologist and mommy. I am a cook, housekeeper (admittedly, not a very good housekeeper because I am so busy with everything else), bookkeeper and referee. I do everything. It’s not easy making one income stretch in this economy. Especially, now that my husband’s work has cut everyone’s pay by $3 an hour. I deserve just as much respect as a work away from home mom.

On the other hand, I’ve seen some stay at home moms that disparage a working away from the home mom. That’s not right, either. She loves and cares for her family just as much as we do. Her reasons for working away from home are just as sound as ours for staying at home.

As far as I am concerned, we all need to accept each other’s choice. We do what is best for our families. No one has a right to put down another mom’s parenting and working decisions. As long as the children are being well cared for and are happy, that is all that matters. You can not judge someone unless you have walked in their shoes. You can make assumptions and observations, but you don’t know what their family is like unless you live with them.

Let’s all just get along.

Small Talk Six 6 Yummy Treats

Want to join in? Go here to learn how and to view the weekly list Small Talk Six topics for 2009.

Today’s topic is “6 of your favorite sweet treats in the whole world.” You can answer this with a list of 6 words, 6 phrases, 6 sentences, 6 paragraphs, 6 photos, 6 videos, etc . . .


Here's my list:

1. French Fries with a chocolate milkshake.

2. Chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven.

3. Cheesecake with fresh stawberries.

4. Warm apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

5. Pumpkin Pie

6. German Chocolate Cake.

Mamas Need Love, too

Hello to all mothers!  Today I am sliding my way through another migraine.  It's the second one this month.  It made me think of all the other mothers out there who have health problems.  So, I decided to write a reminder about taking care of ourselves.

If you don't take care of yourself, you are less likely to be at your best for taking care of your family.  Your child needs you.  Children and husbands often draw from the strength of us moms.  I know when my husband is having a bad day, he counts on me to give him the inner courage and guidance to get through it or to feel better at the end of the day.  Yep, that's me, caretaker.

I honestly don't know how my family survives sometimes without me as their shoulder to lean on. Arrogant?  No, as much as I love them, sometimes it's just frustrating.  Mostly when I've had a bad day myself.  I admit, I have at times resented not having my own shoulder to lean on.  I mean, who wants to hear my petty little troubles when there are so many others who have it so much worse?  That's one thing, ironically, that has also given me comfort in my down times.  There is always someone who has it worse.

But honestly, Moms, your own health is important.  Sometimes it takes an act of the Lord to get other people to understand this, but I guess I am my own worst enemy when it comes to taking care of myself. I finally learned that I don't have to feel guilty for the little pleasures I get out of life.  I need them.  They keep me going.  I work hard to try to make everyone else feel better, but I had to teach myself to make me feel better.

God loves us all.  We have to love ourselves, too.